Peace Out baby!

This comes after a truly horrid week of self doubt and feeling miserable. But looks like I have some closure. All I needed was to reflect on who I had become and where I was headed. I have never be under confident and it always showed. The one time I started having major self doubts was a few months ago where my focus had shifted, almost completely. 

#That moment when your random internet search helps you take life changing decisions#

I was reeling under pressure to be better, be successful to do something considerable with my life and I was physically exhausted, the process like I mentioned earlier was tedious. I was looking for answers and not having them furthered my problems. I spoke to several people over the last week, I realised that EVERYBODY was truly unhappy with their life. I was obviously relieved to know that, but I felt I shouldn't be so pathetic. I shouldn't complain so much.  My problems were largely internal, acquired, intrinsic (add few words that will tell you my problems were in my head -try refraining from psychological or mental :)). I have after a week of crying (not literal) and cribbing (very literal) and complaining (like there was no tomorrow) decided to give up on it. I have promised myself to not complain. I hate how weak it makes me look, how vulnerable it makes me to bad decisions and how helpless I feel.

I did what any sane person would do, I looked for council, I spoke to my friends, my best friends, my mother, sister, went on the internet, to the street dog and well just about everybody who would listen to me complain. I got a rude wake up call, when my mother quite subtly told me that I had been gloomy for over a week and I should snap out of it because it was affecting people around me. *"Hint hint, I am being subtle" she said*. Okay! That was not true, but it was evident that my interactions with people had changed; I hadn't spoken to people in over 5 days and it was getting to them and me. I realised that I was being openly unhappy and that is not who I am. I am the generally merry one. If I was a dwarf I would be called 'Merry' -that is how fun I can be. (weird dwarf I would make) LOL.

Once is enough! Never again!

This week changed me and I would not go through it again. I wrote poetry, so clearly I was upset. One night after I heard myself complain and got bored of it myself; I kept awake till about 4 in the morning to figure stuff out. But no avail. Then I went out with my sister and while I was in the car, it struck me. I have all the time in the world. I have nothing to prove to anybody, anybody who loves me is not judging me, so what if I am unhappy with my work or with my life, there is ALWAYS some way to fix it. I can make anything challenging for myself if I took control and did stuff. What I was honestly tired of was monotony. So I decided to break away from it, to do something that would make me feel like I am doing something with my life. I decided to wake up each morning and take a walk on my terrace, to listen to new kinds of music, to read books that make me better. But most of all, I realised I just had to stop complaining, I could always ask for help, people have always helped me out, they have performed several tangible and intangible things acts of great kindness, but never because I was some miserable, mopping creature rather because I asked for exactly what I wanted. For instance, I am largely claustrophobic and I signed up for an adventure sports weekend trip in Christ I was in for a shock. I have to lie flat on my back and crawl through a cave. *shudders*. But I did it. I survived it and I lived to tell the tale! People helped me. They held my hand. I fell down (literally) and they picked me up. The only thing I really feel I need to do is DO stuff, anything. Take risks, get a little hurt, may be fall down but then pick myself up and start over. 

Life is never short; It is the longest thing you will ever get to do. 

The depressed poet!

Ah! my head is exploding!! Like actually exploding with stuff. I hate to admit it, while I enjoy the process of knowing about myself, It is painstakingly tedious and most of the time I feel like I am losing myself.  Everything about Me; may be it is a good thing, may be I am evolving?

 For a very long time I tried my hand at poetry and wrote quite decently as well, but today I realized that I don't write poetry when I am happy, I have a major writers block when I am happy. I am kinda creeped out by that. My poetry writing skills directly reflect my state of mind.  It's funny. If i like what i have written it means I am pathetic and sad with life, if I hate it, I am happy. My poetry writing is like a litmus test for my emotions then?

I had the same discussion a few weeks ago, does pain really bring out the best in us? if it does, isn't it too big a price to pay? I think I get the hang of it now. May be it means that pain brings out the best in you, even when you don't intend for it to. All the work you do when you are upset, sad or gloomy is a distraction and is a product of 100% dedication of wanting to get away from whatever is bothering us. We increase the complexities in our art or work or running only because we want to get away from whatever is bothering us. May be that is why our work becomes better, that is probably why the more gloomy the person the better his work. Van Gogh to Emily Dickinson or Marilyn Monroe were in a dark place when they delivered some of their memorable works. Then there are few more examples like JKR who were in a really bad place in her life when she started off, she was a single mother, unemployed, going through life. Walt Disney was a failure when he made Mickey.

Again back to my poetry writing; I have written a few, none of which are on this blog, Those poems are really an escape. I would never go back to reading them again. They are proofs of the lowest, bitterest, saddest I have felt. Don't want to revisit those dark places again now, do we?

Yes! I am THAT boring!

Dear People of this World,


I came to think of things about myself and I realize that by conventional standards I am boring. But I am sorry for not being extremely chatty, if I am not comfortable with you. Some days I don't talk, I am not less interested in you, I am less interested in talking to you at that very moment. I am not banning you from my space, just making myself unavailable. It is okay if you think that is weird. May be you think I am being thick and judgmental. I am not, I am trying to think. There are a lot of thoughts that go through my mind and I owe it to them that I think about them. I am not your social butterfly. Don't ever expect me to open up to you . If I don't do it at my pace, I don't do it at all.

I am a reader, Yes! everything about my life revolves around avoiding crowds and loud noises. I want my quiet time. I need to be with myself, to think for myself, to understand, to delve on my thoughts, to think it through. I don't mind it if you write me off as a boring person, atleast be kind enough to not say it to me.  Here is the problem with that. I don't take criticism lightly, I work on it, make sure that if there is a problem I address it. your problem is that I read and I cant do anything about it. So I suggest you do to. When you tell me I am boring because I read, I feel hurt that you do not see what I love. How can you expect me to be interested in all that you say, when you hate me? And by hate me, I mean my choice of books that has largely made me what I am today. I don't feel the need to explain to you that I read because it fills me with a joy, it lets me travel without leaving my house, lets me live lives I will never live, my reading is an escape into a world entirely my own. I get it if you don't understand my obsession but please be sensitive when you call somebody boring.

No, I dont enjoy partying, I don't go out to often either. I love sleeping in on Sunday afternoons, am I bad? Is something wrong with me? Please stop making me want to ask myself this! I am sorry you disapprove of my choices and I see how easy it is to judge me, but you can cut people some slack, can't you?

My life is a series of obsessions, from jigsaws to scrabble, from card games to tetris, I love my books and my music, I love to talk to myself more often than I talk to others. I enjoy coffee and chocolates. When you can accept me for this, why do you think I am less of a girl when I say I like roses on plants?

That is an appeal to be sensitive, while the world I know largely consists of people who accommodate me and my eccentricities, I know a lot of people like me who don't have access to a single person who would fully accept them. The world needs people who are not similar, but tolerant. People who may not be interested in something, but are willing to listen. The world really needs people to simply be open and non judgmental. To know that while someone talks, you are committed to understanding and not hearing. While this IS too much to ask. It is not difficult, it is not insane, infact it is what level headed individuals do. They listen and respond, not brand people as boring because we don't do the things they do. I am sorry world, but looks like we have a lot of time together and you can make me miserable and then see me become a better
person, or you can actively help me be feel accepted and truly wanted.




Love,
Just trying to be me!

Happiness they say!

We are a world ‘trying’ to be different. We are very very similar people. Our fears our identical, our hopes are similar, our expectations are same. Yes, the way we express all these emotions may be completely different but we intrinsically hope for the same outcome. Happiness.

It is quite complicated to explain how we try to find happiness. Sometimes we want people, sometimes we don’t. We want meaningful relationships and sometimes we just want to have fun.  While each of these is a justified way to find the elusive happiness, it truly does take some real effort to see what makes us happy. Sadly, if we found our key to happiness, our definition of humans- as the universe’s playthings changes. May be that is why some considerable force beyond us keeps us worried, unhappy and stressed out.

What we really want is a moment of peace, but no! There is a constant need to find answers; just while one question is answered another question pops up. To people like me, who are comfortable with answers only, this wanting answers policy in life drives us crazy.  Its 22 years and I’m still a complicated nut case with very little clarity. Often I tell myself it is going to be okay. But I still need to know how. What I can do to make it perfect.  

When you take complete responsibility for your life, you feel like you need to do everything right.  I envy those who have direction and admire those who have let everything to chance. Life is sorted. This false sense of control is a major deceiver. It lets you think you are in control of your destiny when in fact you are in anything, but control.

To put it quite simply, Happiness is that elusive butterfly that flies by you, often touches you and the rest of the day you are wishing that butterfly would hang around. I wish I had the answers; the truth is I don’t have answers, I have squat on my life, actually like Raj says. I wish I had squat. All I have is a bunch of ideas and no way of knowing if I will actually see any of it comes to life. My wishes are like those kids who wish Santa got them specific presents for Christmas, they get presents, but not the ones they asked for, so they are not sure whether to be happy or sad!   (It is in absolutely depressing parallel to draw, but I have none that quite justify how I feel)

Shopping list of the Soul

I want to have a job, A job I will love and respect.

I want to take a vacation, on my own

I want to write for a living, (No conditions at all)

I want to be read

I want to be inspired to do the right thing

I want to sleep every night knowing I have lived this day to the best of my abilty

I want to wake up knowing this day holds promise

I want to be reassured that life as we know will change and still everything will fall into place

I want to enjoy coffee at 3 in the morning and not be questioned for insanity

I want to walk aimlessely and still know im taking in something wonderful

I want the flowers in my garden to bloom

I want to not wear a facade of being sure.

I want to be able to talk to everyone I meet without questioning their intent

I want for it to be easy to forgive

I want for it to be easy to forget

I want for it to be easy to believe

I want for everything to be sorted

I want to restart my life at my will

I dont mind complexities. I want them to add meaning to life.

I want to be at peace with myself and love myself deeply to know that no matter how let down I feel, how badly I fail at being the best of me, there is still place in my heart to forgive myself and move on.

This is everything Ive want while i sleep this night. I dont think any of this will so much as come close to happening in the next few years, but 20 years from now when I look at this list I am hoping I'll have atleast a few things that I can strike off.

This is not a wishlist, this is 'a list'. In the middle of the night when I close my eyes and wonder what all this 'self help' is about, I want a reminder to tell me this self help is needed. That the realisation of what I truly want is important. This is the soul shopping list of the person they call Meghana.