Nights are my favourite! Something magical unfolds. It is the dark, mesmerizing quiet that gets you thinking, Your emotions are heightened, your mind is at peace. It is away from all the early morning noise. It is soaking in the blissful silence and churning out words. I make it a point to write each night and night alone. The whole world is sleeping and I am only waking up.
I am no professional writer, but I hope to be one someday!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Peace Out baby!
This comes after a truly horrid week of self doubt and feeling miserable. But looks like I have some closure. All I needed was to reflect on who I had become and where I was headed. I have never be under confident and it always showed. The one time I started having major self doubts was a few months ago where my focus had shifted, almost completely.
#That moment when your random internet search helps you take life changing decisions#
I was reeling under pressure to be better, be successful to do something considerable with my life and I was physically exhausted, the process like I mentioned earlier was tedious. I was looking for answers and not having them furthered my problems. I spoke to several people over the last week, I realised that EVERYBODY was truly unhappy with their life. I was obviously relieved to know that, but I felt I shouldn't be so pathetic. I shouldn't complain so much. My problems were largely internal, acquired, intrinsic (add few words that will tell you my problems were in my head -try refraining from psychological or mental :)). I have after a week of crying (not literal) and cribbing (very literal) and complaining (like there was no tomorrow) decided to give up on it. I have promised myself to not complain. I hate how weak it makes me look, how vulnerable it makes me to bad decisions and how helpless I feel.
I did what any sane person would do, I looked for council, I spoke to my friends, my best friends, my mother, sister, went on the internet, to the street dog and well just about everybody who would listen to me complain. I got a rude wake up call, when my mother quite subtly told me that I had been gloomy for over a week and I should snap out of it because it was affecting people around me. *"Hint hint, I am being subtle" she said*. Okay! That was not true, but it was evident that my interactions with people had changed; I hadn't spoken to people in over 5 days and it was getting to them and me. I realised that I was being openly unhappy and that is not who I am. I am the generally merry one. If I was a dwarf I would be called 'Merry' -that is how fun I can be. (weird dwarf I would make) LOL.
Once is enough! Never again!
This week changed me and I would not go through it again. I wrote poetry, so clearly I was upset. One night after I heard myself complain and got bored of it myself; I kept awake till about 4 in the morning to figure stuff out. But no avail. Then I went out with my sister and while I was in the car, it struck me. I have all the time in the world. I have nothing to prove to anybody, anybody who loves me is not judging me, so what if I am unhappy with my work or with my life, there is ALWAYS some way to fix it. I can make anything challenging for myself if I took control and did stuff. What I was honestly tired of was monotony. So I decided to break away from it, to do something that would make me feel like I am doing something with my life. I decided to wake up each morning and take a walk on my terrace, to listen to new kinds of music, to read books that make me better. But most of all, I realised I just had to stop complaining, I could always ask for help, people have always helped me out, they have performed several tangible and intangible things acts of great kindness, but never because I was some miserable, mopping creature rather because I asked for exactly what I wanted. For instance, I am largely claustrophobic and I signed up for an adventure sports weekend trip in Christ I was in for a shock. I have to lie flat on my back and crawl through a cave. *shudders*. But I did it. I survived it and I lived to tell the tale! People helped me. They held my hand. I fell down (literally) and they picked me up. The only thing I really feel I need to do is DO stuff, anything. Take risks, get a little hurt, may be fall down but then pick myself up and start over.
Life is never short; It is the longest thing you will ever get to do.