Fish Jokes.

Yes, another post that is a testimony to how insanely crazy things can get when people give you space to say whatever they want. Now, there is a genre of very very silly jokes called PJs and I quite like them. I'm all kinds of silly, why wouldn't I like them?. So as I sat there making my jokes, my friend Richa Singh suggested I pen them down and mail them to her. Now, I have no idea why she liked the jokes but she did so I'm just going to repeat what my best friend tells me  "You are awesome, people love you" and go ahead with it. So thank you Richa for that suggestion.  Like I always tell people, I think I have a career in stand up comedy, I think this only goes on to prove it!! 

Now this is me presenting this madness on my blog! 
PS: Meen means Fish. 

1)What mint does a fish eat?
 A meentoss

2)Who is the fishes favourite teacher?
Meenerva Mcgonagall

3)Which is the fishes favouite film?
Meen Girls

4)Who is the buoys  favorite actress?
Meenisha Lamba

5)What do you call an annoying Octopus?
Octofuss

6)What did the single fish say to the others?
I am single and ready to meengal

7)Where do fish work?
At the Meenistry

8)What do the fish who work at the bank do?
They meent meeney

9)What famous quote do fishes use?
"Too many meen spoil the broth"

10)What do the fish pray to?
Cod and Holy Crab!

11)What is the club of very smart fish called?
Meensa

12)How does one become a fish?
Nothing much to it, just meenimal qualification

13)How do you become a good fish?
I hear there is great meentor-ship programme

14)What do call a fish union?
Meenion

15)Who is the PM of the fish colony?
Dr Meenmohan Singh

16)How do fish say bye?
They *wave*

17)Why don't fish take a vacation?
They have a school

18)What did the geeky fish say to the stupid fish?
"Schooled"

19)Which is a multi tasking sea creature?
Octopus, because it can ten-tackle

20)What did the fish say when they saw the scuba diver?
"Hey look, uninvited guests"

21)Which desserts do fish like?
Sharkhand (Like shrikhand)

22)What did the fish tell other fish that complained too much?
"Stop whaling"

23)What would my parents call me if I was a fish?
Meenghana

24)What sickness do clown fish get?
Nemonia

25)What did the fish tell the other fish about humans?
"They are not meen"

26)Why did the fish wash his fins before lunch?
Because that's was good meeners teach you

27)What department does the fish want to work at?
Meenistry for meenaral resources

28)Why is the fish upset?
Because he does not know the meening of life

29) Where in Karnatka would all the fish want to live in?
Meengalore

30)What did the fish call their child?
Meentoo

31) What job did hot shot fish get after his promotion?
I hear he is the Chairmeen

32) Why did the fish quit his school?
He wanted to do something on his own

33) How did the fish lose all his money?
He bet all his money on the wrong sea horse

34)Which is the fishes favourite song?
Sindabad the sailor

35)Which newspaper do fishes not like?
Tides of the Indian Ocean (TOI)

36)Which newspaper do they love?
Malyala Meenorama

37)Why will fishes grow up to become engineers?
They have scales

38)Which is the fish babies favourite cartoon?
Chota Meen

39)Which football clubs do fish support?
Swansea, Liverpool, Chelsea and Meenchester United

40)What are young fish addicted to?
Sea Weed

Open Letter Season

I've read open letters to Sharukh Khan, Shobha De, Rahul Gandhi and a few others. I decided to add a letter of mine as well. But mine is less intellectual though. No research has gone into this letter for the only reason that the content is right there, in my face and constantly annoying me. I make this letter to the dear bollywood lyricists and to the music industry in general!

Dear Music Industry,

First of all let me start of with telling you what a commendable job your lyricist forefathers have done and how you are doing it all wrong now. Hindi songs were supposed to be about love, hope, faith, inspiration and all that. But the only thing I see is hate, blame the girlfriend, idiot boyfriend, bad grammar, random objects, English words, Totally made up hindi words and I wouldn't be too wrong if I said 'Audio erotica' (Eugh! I know). I find myself cringing. All the time. Oh! this is not me being all condescending about hindi music, but what the hell is "Bagdad se le kar Delhi via-agra?" all this is also about a Ghagra! "Udti phirti affwa hai tera Ghagra?" come on people! seriously? What about a udta ghagra as an afwa is really song worthy? My cat once wore a shirt. Take that as a theme to your next song. Gah!  I mean don't you read when you write? Let me tell you rhyme scheme isn't everything if the the lines don't make sense. When that song started with 'saheban meherban I was almost sure it was going in the 'Bandar ka khel dekho' direction, sadly it shifted to Ranbir Kapoor fixating on Madhuri's Ghagra that is apparently a matter of great concern world over. Another gem from this movie is 

"Balam pichkari jo tune mujhe maari
Toh seedhi saadi chhori sharaabi ho gayi
Haa Jeans pahen ke jo tune maara thumka
Toh lattoo padosan ki bhabhi ho gayi." So much fail both grammar and general intelligence wise. 

I could point you towards 10 songs that have been ruining my days for the last few months and not one of the lines in any of those song makes sense, I am sure you try your best to write. But you really have to up the effort. What are you going to be writing about next? I am worried. I think you've covered the innate objects department with the duppattas, payals, woofers, fevicol, pichkaris, jeans, Coffee, rains and how can I forget alcohol? and so many more others like flowers and gardens and the random body parts like eyes, lips, hips, hair and whatnot!. In fact you've covered those aspects where people didn't think writing was possible. Second hand jawani?! I was wondering what that expression even meant. Don't even get me started on the ridiculous jokes I have in mind right now.

 You've written songs about those things that have nothing to be sung about. Trust me when songs are about  a car ride, you've really have run out of things to write about. It's like when I was 5 and my mother encouraged me to write poems and I would start with "Trees are green, so big and wonderful"  except in your case you seem to be adding a heady mix of erotica to it. Amplifier, anyone? Also Fevicol from Dabbang 2?  She says she's like a tandoori and people agree because women are a piece of meat? Pata le saiyaan miss call marke. I mean, huh? Kaun pat ta hai? So ridiculous to fathom a person who'd say something so silly.

Even the supposedly good romantic numbers are outright creepy. Sunn raha hai na tu was just a lot of deep psychological issues wrapped into one. Holy crap! Sun raha hai tu -Ro raha hu main? I mean what in god's name is that supposed to be about. Attention seeking Disorder plus dependency issues? plus the existential crisis! That just sounds like a list of things from a menu of a restaurant; if there were restaurants about psychological disorders you could get from being overly in love with your girlfriend. Stop making love sound so tedious. Love can't be that hard. It just can't. Another piece of bubbling psychological issues is this song called Tum Hi Ho the song is about "love" but sounds like a good background score for Shahrukh Khan from Darr! Hello! Sounds like a stalker not a lover! 

Kyunki tum hi ho
Ab tum hi ho
Zindagi ab tum hi ho
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho.

All that's left in this song is for the hero to cut his wrists and write love letters in his blood.

So when you write these songs please understand that your target audience is NOT bunch body shakers  who will dance to anything although that may be the image  that most of the youth give out today. It is not cool to have random sentences in English that don't mean anything, not really making a great case for English or Hindi. If you have Akon doing a piece of rap or if you have a little bit of (what I think) is Tamil you are not getting anymore fans than there are. Also, including locations in your song doesn't make your song exotic either. Same rule with Urdu as is with unnecessary English or Punjabi or any other language. It is not "sufi" if your actor is going to be singing songs to a woman, sufi music is essentially prayer songs. So unless you think somehow singing about undying love for his fantasy woman is prayer, I'd suggest you stay away.

Here is a tip -EVERYTHING does not need singing about. Do you sing about parking your car? Brushing your teeth? somethings are better left unsaid. It's like singing praises about a watchman who sleeps on his job, entirely pointless. I always thought songs were about taking the story forward, these songs don't take the movie anyway these songs are like stagnant water. Breeds disgust at best. People are going to be tired soon, once they actually take what they listen to seriously. So I write this as a  fair warning. Anytime soon in the next few years people are going to smarten up!

 I see people who will swear by their favourite actor, even singer but never their favourite lyricists, know why?  Because most songs don't mean squat. They are just fancy words that talk about heartbreak/Timepass/Love/Hurt/Hate in punjabi, urdu, hindi and English what is called the 'We're pretending to be Abhishek Bachan's superhit attempt at hindifying the song by Blue'. These songs get old fairly quickly because there are at least ten other artists who are recording a song about a girl breaking someones heart. (Also, what's your problem with women? Why so much hate?. Break up you have a problem, in a relationship you have a problem, no girlfriend you have a problem, have one you have a problem). Speaking about women, please stop telling the world that we are the greatest villians. When you sing songs about calling someones ghagra pointless (Be matlab ki bakwass tera ghagra) what do you expect your hero to end up with? 

I am not getting into  item numbers but here's a tip- class them up. Women stripping to entertain is getting old. For once let these "songs" be something that people who have ears (that work) connect with.. Please note, not everyone is stupid and may be it would help if you actually tried to reach to them. Also a lot of us use autos and buses to travel, we eat at restaurants. So just as public service have some semi decent songs that don't make us want to run and jump off the nearest bridge because Pallo ke neeche isn't a great conversation starter; Just bloody weird to sit through. I speak of this exclusively from personal experience.

Love,

Anyone whose ears are currently bleeding from the ridiculousness of your lyrics!

PS: The only things making sure your are eating two really fancy meals each day are Singers and music composers who make your lyrics looks awesome. Thank them. No, Seriously.

Shaadis and aunties.

I'm of the age where everything I do is under the scanner. My daily schedule is a matter of great curiosity to everyone. Yes, I'm of the "marriageable age" and everyone my age is getting married. While I love the fact that they are getting engaged or married, I am also worried that  I'm constantly measured along with my married friends and family. "Dekho, she got married". "Such a nice boy, roz mandir bhi jaata hai", and I am here, wondering why adults in my life have  become investigating officers who keep track of our lives.  It's like  "big brother" or should I say "big mother".

All the aunties in my life are suggesting, approving and disproving of my choices. "Arre you are a nice girl, you'll find a nice boy". Yes aunty. I know. I'm very nice. Thanks.  "Par beta, you are very headstrong about certain things, marriage means you have to be flexible." again, thanks aunty. I am sure that marriage is a synonym for adjustment. I love how all the aunties faces light up when I do the "Ha, aunty. Koi ladka toh dekho" because I've learned from my experience that there is no point in arguing with the aunties who constantly suggest the lovely men. "Ya, MNC company mei working. He passed from college in 2004. Now works for some American company. Very good boy, tall also. Father is this, mother is this... well settled also" Please note the MNC-Company reference.

There is no doubt that these aunties are thinking "mere acche ke liye hi" but I feel like reminding them that I'm not the same girl they knew from 10 years ago. I'm not even the same girl I was 5 years ago. But whatever it is, these aunties are fun! They have a very twisted sense of humour and man! I love when that comes out. Any girl who has been a part of a wedding ceremony has not escaped 3 things a)Arre, you're looking so nice. Pakka, You're next" and b) that sense of humour that the otherwise not so fun aunties bring out during weddings. Also, c)Koi ladka dekh liya hai kya?

My answers to the first and last question are a demented smile that don't answer or not answer the question. What I do enjoy is the humour part!  It's totally awesome. The way they will comment, talk, laugh, be snide. Oh! The comments. It's like these women lead a parallel lives at comedy circus. My otherwise sober aunt who is very composed and calm suddenly becomes the life of a wedding. and this is all new to me. I've always known my mother, my aunts and everyone else to be really really calm and not-fun. They were people who made me eat vegetables and drink milk. How can they be fun?  But now,  it's like I've been seeing them all wrong, enter my twenties, sudden transformation. I'm the un-fun one. I'm the boring one who sits in the corner and looks bored.

It's quite funny that my marriage has now become the centre for every discussion. Maggie made aloo ki subzi, oh! Shaadi ki umar. Maggi got up at 6 today, oh shaadi ki ummar.Everything I do is because of my shaadi ki umar. It's like everything I'm doing these days is to somehow make my potential husband happy. I like how selective retention works for the aunties and to my good luck. It is lol worthy that Aunties will not remember that I still hoard comic books or that I'm severely addicted to chocolates and things like that. If anyone does point it out, Phat se someone will say,  shaadi ke baad thik ho jayega. I would just like to tell them that those things are not really some kind of illness and my shaadi is not some magical antidote to my craziness, I'm still going to be the same book hoarding, batman loving, facebook crazy, lost writer, late sleeper, not so early riser I always was. :D

Sorry for not being a friend who is a girl.:|

Hi!
No, I'm not actually sorry about it. I just wanted a catchy name! I came across this post on facebook, while I'm all of the nice stuff and things that make me go 'aww' but I am also one of those people who cringes at the idea of the definition of friendships. Friendships are so personal and unique, I find it laughable when people try to put a general umbrella statement on what friendships are.

It's even worse when people try and define a friendship between two girls, two boys or a girl and a boy. I don't see how it is that different in any case. It is two people who like to be called friends, why it needs definition in itself is funny. So yes! What caused me to write my rant, here is a post.

Image from Facebook

This post is dedicated to all my male friends, considering how I suck at being your "friend who is  girl". I read this once, I read this twice and the third time I was rolling on the floor and laughing and trying to imagine what would happen to my friends if I actually was like this! I can totally see being blocked on Facebook and on people's cellphone. It'l be like having their baby sitter on their friends list.I LOLed and LOLed some more!

Friends who are girls and not girl friends, they are not baby sitters, they are not account managers, they are not mothers or wives. We are people, we love our friends without running their life! We are not stalkers. 

The hate mail.

NOTE:THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL LETTER. PLEASE READ ENTIRELY BEFORE JUDGING ME. 

Dear Maggie.

I don’t hate you, in fact I love you too much. It was over the day you moved on. I knew it.  I was old news, I was out and somebody else was in.  You put me away; you crossed me off a list. You are a mean person. Don’t you feel a pang of pain and guilt before you move on? You dumped me. Maggie, I was everything you were looking for I was funny, adventurous, brave, committed, and knowledgeable, I had class, I have never once wanted to be somewhere else but with you and yet, you walk away from me.

Do you forget those Oh My God moments? Those moments when you were awestruck, you were beyond impressed with me. You thanked God that I was in your life. You forget all those laughing riots we had? I cracked you up all the time. Forget laughs do you remember the tears we shed together? We were sad together, you were inconsolable and yet, I managed to say something just to see you relieved. Does all of it mean nothing at all? You keep bragging about your newer conquests, the more challenging ones, the easy ones. I know some you hate and some you love, but do you see that you have left me all alone?   

You discuss your newer conquests like Casanova would, you drama queen! I hate you for thinking that you can move on, I know I have changed you and I will draw pleasure from that fact. Yes! I have made you look at things differently, I have scared you of something’s and I will take those things with me till the end. I know I am being brutal here, but isn’t that true? Haven’t you become better or worse because of me?

Every time I catch your scent, I wish you would pick me, wander in my direction, but no! You go to some newer better looking one. These new ones hold promise, do they? Remember I was one of them as well. I know you talk of me sometimes, but you mostly tell others that you been there. You talk of how I was. I don’t want that. I will find those people myself and you don’t need to find me more people.

I know our relationship was short, but it was no fling. It was real. I gave myself to you, I was committed to the cause and you left me. I have seen you gone back to a few others from the past and I am hopeful, I wish you came back to me and yet I can only be hopeful. I am lonely. I miss the times we spent cuddled up on a winters morning or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you took off from work just to meet me.  I miss those meaningful conversations we had, some that lasted for hours on end.

Maggie, you were never ashamed of me, you wanted to parade me around, you held me in public and now I am just somebody?

In all this bitterness and resentment I feel towards you, I know if you came back to me today, I would happily accept you. I will not question your intent. I would be yours again.

John Green is a genius!!

Regards,

Your Old book!

My version of heaven!

Yes! While I am not exactly a believer of Heaven and Hell. I have however come to understand that there has to be a better place than this and we have to go there. It is my last hope. For putting up with the shit we do, for suffering each day, it is like being punished, so I believe that THIS is Hell and so as a consequence we will go to a better place. Pure hell does not have to be hot and fiery, the earth is a good enough place to be called hell, with the kind of life we lead, the people we deal with that all that. It is actually hilarious that people expect a worse place. But yes! We are free to imagine a better place.

So Dear Whoever Controls Heaven,

On the off chance that I get there (I am not immortal) I would like to present a version of heaven I like. No bright lights please. Absolutely no harps, dancers or music. You see I have an innate fear choreographed performances and loud music. Also, I am clearly influenced by the TV version of Heaven. Blame the upbringing, God! Also with reference to the music, the music will be genre based music. It would be really weird to hate the music in Heaven! There is no other place to go after that. Is there?

Other than that Dear Heaven controller type person must know that my version of the heaven is a little cold, I mean not freezing, but you know just like winters here. I wish there is a huge cackling fire and an eternal fountain of Chocolate and coffee. Please let the coffee be  bitter and the chocolate dark!

I love the idea of Utopia and what version of my heaven is complete without ladders? Ofcourse I will need ladders because there will be millions of books and eternity to read them! *You did not see that coming?*  My idea of heaven is a little skewed but you get it, no? But WTH! (Heaven)  No bright lights, just warm yellows, dingy, dusty even.and mostly quiet.

My inspiration for the post

I am given to understand that people in heaven wear all whites, but please can I come in my pajamas? Or jeans or shorts? Eternity in whites just sounds difficult. I will wear the same jeans forever. So my clothes and books are covered and so is my food. Since I can't die again i would like to get some junk food? Okay, I am being a little materialistic here... but but... You know how this is the "Happiest place"

I get that there are concerns about being indoors all the time, so can I please get me a beach? Lots of sunlight, no rains? also no rain forests for me. I can make peace with the no beaches. I would like for it rain indoors. And when it rains, I would like if there was a scrabble club of some sort. It would be amazing!

Finally it will have to have internet! super fast internet!! :)