The hate mail.

NOTE:THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL LETTER. PLEASE READ ENTIRELY BEFORE JUDGING ME. 

Dear Maggie.

I don’t hate you, in fact I love you too much. It was over the day you moved on. I knew it.  I was old news, I was out and somebody else was in.  You put me away; you crossed me off a list. You are a mean person. Don’t you feel a pang of pain and guilt before you move on? You dumped me. Maggie, I was everything you were looking for I was funny, adventurous, brave, committed, and knowledgeable, I had class, I have never once wanted to be somewhere else but with you and yet, you walk away from me.

Do you forget those Oh My God moments? Those moments when you were awestruck, you were beyond impressed with me. You thanked God that I was in your life. You forget all those laughing riots we had? I cracked you up all the time. Forget laughs do you remember the tears we shed together? We were sad together, you were inconsolable and yet, I managed to say something just to see you relieved. Does all of it mean nothing at all? You keep bragging about your newer conquests, the more challenging ones, the easy ones. I know some you hate and some you love, but do you see that you have left me all alone?   

You discuss your newer conquests like Casanova would, you drama queen! I hate you for thinking that you can move on, I know I have changed you and I will draw pleasure from that fact. Yes! I have made you look at things differently, I have scared you of something’s and I will take those things with me till the end. I know I am being brutal here, but isn’t that true? Haven’t you become better or worse because of me?

Every time I catch your scent, I wish you would pick me, wander in my direction, but no! You go to some newer better looking one. These new ones hold promise, do they? Remember I was one of them as well. I know you talk of me sometimes, but you mostly tell others that you been there. You talk of how I was. I don’t want that. I will find those people myself and you don’t need to find me more people.

I know our relationship was short, but it was no fling. It was real. I gave myself to you, I was committed to the cause and you left me. I have seen you gone back to a few others from the past and I am hopeful, I wish you came back to me and yet I can only be hopeful. I am lonely. I miss the times we spent cuddled up on a winters morning or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, you took off from work just to meet me.  I miss those meaningful conversations we had, some that lasted for hours on end.

Maggie, you were never ashamed of me, you wanted to parade me around, you held me in public and now I am just somebody?

In all this bitterness and resentment I feel towards you, I know if you came back to me today, I would happily accept you. I will not question your intent. I would be yours again.

John Green is a genius!!

Regards,

Your Old book!

LION LOVE!

Let me start by saying I have fewer friends than an albino lion, I have acquaintances more than leaves of a fully grown banyan tree. Yes, after drawing those metaphors that don't really say much about what I have to say, I have a point to make. I have friends like the albino lion, very few, very true. Nobody wants to talk to an albino lion, but the ones that do, actually talk to him. They are not freaked out or surprised by his appearances. Okay, the Albino parallel ends there, I  am neither albino nor a lion. My point however can also be brought about by Elsa, the lion cub from Born Free (Yes! Lion obsession)

My inspiration for this post

I would like to be that Albino lion to have fewer friends but friends who are extremely honest, brutally if possible. I have had a few friends I have had the opportunity to be with and I am so happy to have met them. Most relationships end because people forget, they get busy, they outgrow you, people become unimportant, mostly because newer people come in and the old ones fade away.  But like Elsa, true friends don't let anything come in their way.  People can be in the most committed relationships and they still make time for their friends, my friends have. My friends were committed in every way possible but never failed to answer a 2 AM call. Never failed to give me a call just like that. Yes! sometimes when that happens, you know you have found something. 

Last time I was talking to my Best Friend (soul sister) type person and just to clarify that while people may think I throw around the word best friend with little thought, I use it very carefully. I don't just call people BFF's and yes, I have seen myself go from BFF to JF (just friends) like a backward transition and I am not slightly surprised by that. We are people, we forget. How I respond to that forgetfulness is entirely my call. 

But moving on to the beautiful topic of friends, friends who I truly adore mostly because these guys make an effort to stay in touch. I mean my friend Poorvi does not claim undying love for me and yet she says or does things for me that clearly send out a sentiment very difficult to put in words. She is someone I hold so close to my heart. I met Poorvi in my graduation and I have ever since been attached to her. I called her Sister Power just for fun and it stuck. She doesn't make me feel clingy, second rate, she doesn't make me feel like I am the only one who thinks this friendship is important and THAT is so important! 

I understand people have jobs, boyfriends, a husband, girlfriends, a wife, they have a family, separate groups of friends to take care of and inspite of them if somebody takes so much as a minute from time to time to think of you, I think it would be heavenly. It is not a need, it is something that naturally happens, I think about my besties all the time (Not creepy at all). I keep thinking of how in the world I would live without these people and you know what? I really have a tough time imagining it.

The words love you are thrown around so casually, and I am one to blame as well, but how many of us can actually claim this love, I do not know. As I understand friendships are easy to to forge, very easy in fact, a little commonality, a little patience, a general non psychopathic behavior and you are in. A little denser than that you have best friends, claimable best friendship atleast. But it begs the question, is it friendship because it is? or because you call it one? 

Not everyone you claim to be your friend is one, some are close acquaintances, most feel like besties because you see them everyday much like work friends, you meet them, you wait for them at your desk each day, you have your ritualistic teas, you share a meal, you talk about your home, you talk about how you hate the cold and how you wish somebody made pakodas, next day that work friend brings pakodas to work and there! instantaneously- BFFness!  But if this same person were to quit his/her job and move to a different continent, would you care enough to meet him/her? Forget continents, if this person switches companies, would you? Let me tell you what happens, within days your calls will stop.  You have nothing to discuss, no torrid affairs from work, you don't know her job, she doesn't know your team anymore, she doesn't have the same boss, she cannot be interested in your job because how much could you possibly deduce from a random chat, people in both your lives have changed and you have really no patience to explain them to each other, you don't have the same camaraderie, hell you don't even know what to say to each other if you meet up at a restaurant. This has happened to many of us, Our lives that are based on commonality come crashing down once the commonness goes away. If the commonness is something like seeing them everyday, or sharing work space, then all the best! Try and make it work. Do you really care? That is another question. 

If something can stand the test of time and distance, may be then you should call it real. I am not being negative here, No! I am just trying to stress on the fact that over a lifetime as long as ours, we are bound to meet people who are like us, what you need to see is, what is it that is making this friendship tick? If I was somewhere else would I care about this person so much? Is my early morning coffee ritual the only thing that is making me stick around this person?  The answers are right there. If you can answer them and if you smile to yourself know you are okay. 

Remember, there is no tomorrow to keep in touch. You either are or you are not. Tomorrow is too far away. Tomorrow is busier, tomorrow has more work, tomorrow has more people coming in. If you want to call someone tomorrow, make it happen. Do it! There are a few Albino lions who really care who talks to them. A few Elsa type friends who will stick around for years and make you feel warm and nice and happy just by saying they are around. Be an Elsa to an Albino Lion! I have found a few Elsas myself! right from a few months to 5 years to 18 years and 22 years! :)

There, so much for lion love! 

IF SOMETHING STANDS THE TEST OF TIME AND DISTANCE, KNOW THAT IT IS SURE AS HELL WORTH IT

My Elsas live close by and across the world . 

Here is a little thought! feel free to disagree!

I was deeply touched by the idea of “Love is all accepting " On more thought I realised that the love –is all accepting, how far is this true? Love probably helps you to some extent to accept the pain caused, but love of a person or thing is reduced by the happening of certain events, how do say love accepts betrayal, betrayal simply scars the ability to love, similarly with jealousy. Lets look at it from a non filmy, non Hollywood/bollywood perspective. My mother truly loves me! And God knows she does, she has never once said its ok, after I have hurt her feelings, she has however always said ok, after I apologised. In a sense regret or genuine guilt help one realise love and sustain it.

Coming to think of it love does not accept everything, what truly nourishes love and makes the idea of the said event bearable is not the ability to love, but the ability to look past it and seek the love it hides within the regret. If love bore all, it would simply stagnate to tolerance... isn’t it?

Coming to think of it, love I feel is overrated, it is not a separate phenomenon is it? Love is omnipotent, you feel it with the company of friends, family and animals or things! ‘Love bears all’ I cannot really debate the topic because heart of hearts I want to simply buy the idea, but I know its not the case. ‘love does not accept being walked upon, love does not accept losing identity, love does not bear cheating, love sometimes, does not stand (sadly) the test of time. Love simply grows, flourishes and just like any other feeling runs its course. How do people in love then sustain 50 –70 years of marriage you may ask... well to answer that, many things contribute to that, respect.. acceptance, irreplacebleness of the relationship make you stick through the relationship, ofcourse sometimes it’s just fear of letting go, hurt, fear of getting looked down upon or just having a stronger reason to stay. Although I would still think of love as all powerful, I would like to think of love as subject to change, discretion and most importantly judgement. Love helps accept all of the people’s idiosyncrasies and craziness but not a persons short falls, like his ability to stay loyal. No! Love cannot overlook that. Sincere guilt helps may be overcome the fault and sail through tough times but definitely does not leave a person without scarring. Do you really believe a mother who is slapped by her own son will love the son without her love for him taking a beating? Well a mothers love may be the epitome of love but her being hurt will take time to heal. Do you think a cheating husband will ever get the same reverence he got from his wife the day they were married? They may... again after a serious healing, but definitely without the same intensity. Love is and forever will be as delicate an object although tough like glass is as likely to break, may be sometimes be recycled or rejoined but you know its not the same! Love thus does not bear all, love helps one bear all, till it becomes unbearable, love does not end, love simply ceases to exist... sometimes replaced by bitterness, sometimes by guilt, sometimes by experience and sometimes by a different person.