I don't know how else to fix this. I cannot not do anything. I can't just stay in bed and read all day and be okay about it at the end of the day. I finally realised that. There was possibly a time when I lived in the delusion that I could read all day long and not step out of the house, but no sir. Not anymore. I need to get out, I need to get in fresh air, meet friends, meet family, if nothing else just be out, by myself. It's weird that I'm looking forward to going to work, just so there would be people I can meet.
I read somewhere that you have to learn to be alone, and you can never be sad if you love the company of the person you have when you are alone. But in this hyper connected world, isolation feels very unreal. Solitude feels unnatural and I'm in no place to feel all those things.
Not to say I wasn't okay on my own, of course I was. I got some reading done. I watched a movie. I'm writing this post. I spoke to my friends, but damn! I needed to step out of my house. I can no longer live like a hermit and be happy. I need to venture out.
So what about being happy on your own and all that nonsense? Well, if we could live on our own and be happy. More of us would have done it. We'd never voluntarily sign up to interact with people. We'd never ask for a social life and hell we'd never trust another human being. But we do that, don't we?
Do I love myself? Of course, on most days, I do. On some days I don't. Some days, I need my best friend to hit me in the head with an imaginary hammer to tell me I'm a good person, some other days she tells me we're all lost and I shouldn't give this being a good person too much thought.
I have no idea why I wrote this down, and I don't expect you to comment on this one. But it's just that this year, I'd be real. If I felt something, or if I realise something, I would own up to it. I've done the running away bit. I've done the shying away bit.