Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I hate being clingy, its one of those things that really weird me out. I mean I am too much of an independent person to feel like I am nagging someone. But at one point I did feel like I was stalking my friends and I felt like it was uncomfortable for them. So I decided to be my own therapist. I had started the process of unclinging in my head. Every time I wanted to write this post in the last 2 weeks, I always felt like I was committing treason with my friends, I was somewhere accepting that I was going to become uncaring, un -involved in their lives or let them be in mine.Every living cell in my body revolted against the idea of not being in touch with my friends (very real withdrawal symptoms). But a few days later, I realized that was not what unclinging meant. It was nowhere close to the kind of unclinging process I was going through. I spoke to myself hours on end, firstly to tell myself what I was planning on doing and second of all on what I was thought I was going to be writing about it. 3 AM advise from my sister -"don't think too much". Excellent. Since I clearly don't take her advise I followed my instincts and for hours I pondered over what I thought being clingy was and why i wanted to get over it.

Firstly my definition of being clingy was a realisation that I was letting too many people in on my issues and frankly not really getting any help because I wasn't asking for any. I was going through the complaining phase. I wanted everyone to listen to my incessant rant. And bless my friends for surviving it. But one day it hit me. I was constantly apologizing for taking people's time, but I wasn't doing anything constructive with it. Nobody in this world has the time to listen to obsessive rants that are largely about self loathing and being self deprecating. Nobody had anything to say to me, I said "I hate my life. I hate my job blah blah..." and people could sympathize, at the end of these conversations I felt terrible and guilty.

So began the "I will not complain" pledge. I stuck to it, I still go back to the old habit, but immediately recover if I realize I have gone on for too long and have been hearing my own self for sometime. Unclinging is not cutting the chord, not about pushing people out, not about uncaring. It is the opposite. It is about welcoming people in not because you want them to listen to you, but because you really want to talk to them, you want conversations. It was difficult at first. I was jittery, every time I had an issue I really wanted to pick my phone and call someone. But I was trying my best to stick to my resolution. It worked sometimes and sometimes I just have to trust my friends' patience with me.

Here is what I accomplished or am on the way to accomplishing if I successfully become independent. Again. I will have established a support structure from within. I will be in a much better position to answer questions about my life since I feel I am in control. I will have people who are really looking forward to conversations because I am not being unreasonable or uncomfortable to talk to.

As of today there are a few things I felt . Firstly the quality of my mood wasn't erratic, I was being very very realistic, sensitive, less narcissistic. I did not feel like I need people to make me feel better or worse which is pretty good thing to feel about myself. with reference to that state of mind my love or hate for these people also changed, I realize that them not talking to me has nothing with the value I or they assign to the friendship. Finally,others stop deciding how I feel.

I haven't un-clung. I am not the textbook definition for independent. But I feel like I have shifted focus, redesigned my support structure. It includes me and then people. I am still confused, I am still looking for advise, I am still open to council but not like a patient who waits for a doctors prescription to feel better. I feel in control. I still continue to have amazing friendships and I haven't let go of anybody. I still hold on to them, but in a way that is meant to be, not in the unnatural way.

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