Alone protects me is the second part of this dialogue. I've maintained this for a very long time, people scare me. I'm genuinely afraid of people and I can't seem to understand why. I did my distress call to my best friend too! I need help.
I don't know how else to fix this. I cannot not do anything. I can't just stay in bed and read all day and be okay about it at the end of the day. I finally realised that. There was possibly a time when I lived in the delusion that I could read all day long and not step out of the house, but no sir. Not anymore. I need to get out, I need to get in fresh air, meet friends, meet family, if nothing else just be out, by myself. It's weird that I'm looking forward to going to work, just so there would be people I can meet.
I read somewhere that you have to learn to be alone, and you can never be sad if you love the company of the person you have when you are alone. But in this hyper connected world, isolation feels very unreal. Solitude feels unnatural and I'm in no place to feel all those things.
Not to say I wasn't okay on my own, of course I was. I got some reading done. I watched a movie. I'm writing this post. I spoke to my friends, but damn! I needed to step out of my house. I can no longer live like a hermit and be happy. I need to venture out.
So what about being happy on your own and all that nonsense? Well, if we could live on our own and be happy. More of us would have done it. We'd never voluntarily sign up to interact with people. We'd never ask for a social life and hell we'd never trust another human being. But we do that, don't we?
Do I love myself? Of course, on most days, I do. On some days I don't. Some days, I need my best friend to hit me in the head with an imaginary hammer to tell me I'm a good person, some other days she tells me we're all lost and I shouldn't give this being a good person too much thought.
I have no idea why I wrote this down, and I don't expect you to comment on this one. But it's just that this year, I'd be real. If I felt something, or if I realise something, I would own up to it. I've done the running away bit. I've done the shying away bit.
I don't know how else to fix this. I cannot not do anything. I can't just stay in bed and read all day and be okay about it at the end of the day. I finally realised that. There was possibly a time when I lived in the delusion that I could read all day long and not step out of the house, but no sir. Not anymore. I need to get out, I need to get in fresh air, meet friends, meet family, if nothing else just be out, by myself. It's weird that I'm looking forward to going to work, just so there would be people I can meet.
I read somewhere that you have to learn to be alone, and you can never be sad if you love the company of the person you have when you are alone. But in this hyper connected world, isolation feels very unreal. Solitude feels unnatural and I'm in no place to feel all those things.
Not to say I wasn't okay on my own, of course I was. I got some reading done. I watched a movie. I'm writing this post. I spoke to my friends, but damn! I needed to step out of my house. I can no longer live like a hermit and be happy. I need to venture out.
So what about being happy on your own and all that nonsense? Well, if we could live on our own and be happy. More of us would have done it. We'd never voluntarily sign up to interact with people. We'd never ask for a social life and hell we'd never trust another human being. But we do that, don't we?
Do I love myself? Of course, on most days, I do. On some days I don't. Some days, I need my best friend to hit me in the head with an imaginary hammer to tell me I'm a good person, some other days she tells me we're all lost and I shouldn't give this being a good person too much thought.
I have no idea why I wrote this down, and I don't expect you to comment on this one. But it's just that this year, I'd be real. If I felt something, or if I realise something, I would own up to it. I've done the running away bit. I've done the shying away bit.
On some days I don't. Some days, I need my best friend hits me in the head with an imaginary hammer to tell me I'm a good person, some other days she tells me we're all lost and I shouldn't give this being a good person too much thought. .... that's me too
ReplyDeleteI think we need our "Me time" always but also time with our people. And this post just reveals a bit of you. Loved it. :)
Ah. Confessionals aren't my forte and I don't enjoy them, But all I seem to be doing are confessionals. :D
DeleteWe all walk our journey alone and sometimes we need to be hermits to do some soul searching. How life evolves is anyone's guess. Best to enjoy all aspects of it. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Life gets better :) It sure does.
DeleteAbsolutely dear.. loads of hugs.. welcome to the gang though.
ReplyDeleteStart learning to trust people, Maggie. Not all of them are bad. Trust people but don't put the condition that they should not betray you. People are people. Some are loyal. Some betray. MANY hurt. But then, feeling hurt is being alive. Because we feel hurt, we feel love too. That simple. But if you don't step out and meet friends, you won't have the lighter moments.. and the heavier too.
Life should have no conditions.
Even when are surrounded by friends, we are alone. That is a fact. Romance it. But romance it while being in the midst of friends, and not while being alone.
<3
I love what you said!! I'm going to quote you somewhere. :D Thanks. I love my friends, they keep me sane. My best friend call went out at 2 AM, My friend actually had a long hard day at work and still chose to talk to me. #BlessedMuch
DeleteHa! This is so uncanny. Another post from you and it seems we are having another of those chats again :D Well as you have already made up your mind to go out have fun, I know I cannot add anything to it. But at the same time, I love you the way you are. Please don't forget that. Don't go ahead and be Part Maggie :D (you know the complete reference :-) )
ReplyDeleteRicha